лонгрід. 9 найяскравіших воєнних подій минулорічної весни в житті минулорічної естер
Skipping the end of February,
March. 1
Checking lists of losses when he was in occupation
wasn’t the hardest thing – it was nothing, comparing to
finding him boasting how many new shirts has he bought
to my close friend with whom our bond started to loose
as he interacted with her and still ignored all of my calls
and, finally, the most funny,
he would not understand it’s about him at all.
March. 2
I love dancing more than I love cooking –
and, frankly speaking, I’m adore with cooking,
but it was impossible to eat when I faced with death firstly
from the beginning of full-scale invasion.
my friends knew her better than me
but the level of pain and shock was the same.
it was impossible to cook. during next few days,
I was dancing standing near the mirror
dancing instead of her,
dancing instead of her.
March. 3
My depression, honestly, is a legal way of running away from news
from anxiety and mum’s not-ending calls when there was an explosion
“mum, I’m begging you, please stop calling, It would change nothing –
I got used to war so much I won’t mind if whizz-bang
break my little, tiny body into pieces” – I say to her
watching the devastation from the window of my dormitory,
feeling how slowly blood flows from my heart
and do not have any ideas where should we run away, finally.
April. 1
we found a new hobbie with Vlada – it was:
crying in bed during the whole day
and furthermore:
having insomnia and, as a result,
cleaning our room at 3 a.m
doing a bright make up
just for going to the shop for a pack of milk
or something like that
in order to lay the whooole day,
drinking coffee with milk and checking the news,
eventually, it was the only thing
we could do.
April. 2
While my father and brother were on the front
still fighting for our country and freedom
I visited a literal evening, where were people from Donetsk.
when I’ve found it, l was so happy I’m not alone.
I brought Vlada with me, and while
poets were reading poetry about war in Donbass,
Vlada from the west of my county was crying so much
I didn't have any idea how to support her.
actually, it was the moment, when I realized
that I’ve been living with the war next door since my childhood
and I’ve never speak about it before.
April. 3
I swear I tried to not think about war in different ways.
my friends and I did picnics on fresh air
we spent our evenings discussing love,
work and live at all, discussing everything except for
main topic we didn’t speak about.
I’d been living with my another friend about three weeks
and there was one night he offered me
to run away in drugs. to make it our kind of escapism
only for one night.
It was so difficult to refuse, especially when you’re addicted,
that I didn’t.
it was the night when, in fine, my heart wasn’t in fire
in which the cities of my country are burning.
finally, just a one night.
May. 1
It was a sunny day when Vlada and I decided to go shopping, as usual.
I looked so good, wearing in short black skirt
having a great make up
and skipped all 8 calls from my mother –
I didn’t know why she was calling.
It was such a sunny day, and I thought:
maybe mum wants to go for a walk?
after my shopping, of course.
“igor died”. she bellowed into my phone
It was her close friend, and mine at the same time
he was that person who always believed in me and my strength
despite everything; he taught me to drink vodka when I was 14
in a friendly warm circle of mother's friends
which were also mine.
24th February her friends supported russia,
but not Igor, just not Igor.
my mum doesn’t have such a warm circle anymore.
I went to Vlada in tears. mascara ran down my face.
I sobbed half the way.
Igor died from an unexploded shell in his yard.
May. 2
my father always was a person who likes to joke in wild company,
he was keen on sport and dancing, especially oriental dances.
he shined with his smile so much
it was impossible not to smile back to him.
our last meeting was in November, he looked at my pictures
and affectionately asked how was my trip to Zaporizhya.
he was also a military man before the all-out war
and his hugs were so warm and compassionate
what can’t be said now, unfortunately.
our last meeting was half a month ago.
his eyes are burned by the war.
he’s burned by the war.
he no longer wants to dance.
May. 3
in the beginning of May I also met a wonderful person
who suddenly for both of us became my partner.
he’s also from the East and I felt unity with him also
because the similarity of our mentalities.
unfortunately, the war took him by surprise in Kharkiv
and I feel, how it influenced him, seeing the depth of his sight.
one night explosions were so closed to his flat
that my hands were shaking so hard
and I was so strongly returned to war
while he was in absolutely calm
like a fish in water of spacious ocean.
“how can you be so tranquil
when our land is being destroyed?” – I asked.
“I was waiting for it. I knew it would come to us once”.
