01
The River stretched from horizon to horizon – slow, lazy flowing mass of a clear blue water that was coming “here” from “somewhere” and was going to “somewhere else”, further than anyone could see.
Someone might say it was “dividing the world in two”, but they would be wrong and laughed at by anyone who’ve seen the River – for the River was so wide and powerful, it was a world of its own, embedded into the other world, one of the hills and grass. Moreover, one of the River’s shores was a place for a large town inhabited by humans, town of white houses, narrow streets and loud crowds gathering at a stalls on a marketplace. That town was surrounded by farmlands, dark spots among the green fields of wild grass, and on top of it on a large hill stood a castle with a tall wall of grey mossy stone. But the opposite side of the River was nothing like that: it was pristine wild, untouched by human feet or farming tools.
And that’s how it was: the world of green wildlands and the world where people lived were divided by yet another world, like someone unimaginably giant cleaved the ground in two and a stream of blue rushed into the wound, filling it with running water, making sure it wouldn’t close, keeping it forever open.
The River was dangerous but it wasn’t cruel – providing people with water for their needs and a fish to fill their stomach with. But it was dangerous, and nobody dared to go into the water because no matter how slow its current may seem, it was powerful enough to sweep a man off his feet and drag him downstream to who knows where. And nobody ever returned after going downstream.
It is enough that town had to send someone there every time the great big ship come down the River past it. A ship with no rows or sails, with golden eyes on its bow. Time after time it drifted down the stream but nobody has seen it coming back.
And yet it returned again and again to take some other person downstream.
Someone, man or woman, girl or boy, young or old – none of the townsfolk knew who it will be this time. One said that it was decided by the people living in the castle on the hill atop the town; others claimed, that decision was made by the captain of the boat (whom nobody had ever seen); and there were even some who whispered, that the choice was a will of the River itself.
02
Mischievous wind ran along the River, picking on the leaves of every tree it could find, making them whisper back at it, as if irritated. To Nat, who was lying under the tree, though, what might have been angry curses in leaves’ language was but a calming rustle. Nat listened to the whispers of the trees and gentle splashes of the River’s water against the shore and all of that become a part of the dream of being all alone, of finding some rest from a tasks that needed to be performed and work that demanded to be done. For now that seemed to drift by the River, pushed away by the same wind that was rustling the leaves above.
“What are doing?” a girl’s voice entered Nat’s daydreaming.
“…Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Just… just resting under the tree, that’s all”
She circled around, looking up at the leaves high above. Nat looked at her with slight disbelief – not because she wore a light pastel coloured dress, made out of fabric so delicate, it looked like it would torn off and fly away if the wind would be even slightly stronger, nor because her hair, freely falling down on her shoulders, was of light blue color. All this was unusual, but not unbelievable. But Nat could swear there was no such girl in town. Where did she come from, then? Could it be… the castle?
“And why did you pick this tree to rest under?” finally asked the girl.
“Why…” Nat glanced upwards and shrugged. “It just happened to be here”.
“And you just happened to be under it, right?”
“Yes. And there was nobody around.”
“But now I’m here too”.
“…And I might go and search for another place to rest.”
“Why? Don’t you like being with other people?”
“Because I’m trying to get some rest from them!”
“And you don’t like that I’m under the same tree as you?”
“Yes!”
“You are rude”.
“And you are nosy!”
“What!?” she covered her nose with both hands and turned away.
“How could you say something like that to a young girl!” her voice, muffled by hands covering her face, trembled. “I have a cute little nose!”
“Oh… Now you’re going to cry…” Nat sighed. “Of course you are. It doesn’t work on me, you know? Cry all you want. Even if you cry…”
“…A river?” she turned back, and there was not a trace of tears in her eyes. In fact, that trembling voice, that shudder of her shoulders – it all was a laugh. She had a wide open smile lighting up her face, sending bright sparkles flutter in her eyes.
“Who even are you?”
“Oh, I’m Maria…”
“Like that explains everything.”
“You interrupted me!” she pouted “How rude of you. Now I have to start again… I am Maria, and my mother calls me Richka for some reason, but I don’t mind it because I love her. I live in the castle on a hill with my parents and I’m going to be a good girl once I grow up a bit. Or so my father says. Oh, and what’s your name?”
“Doesn’t matter. I didn’t even want to know yours,” Nat said. Now that she confirmed she was from the castle, Nat realised just how much trouble she might be.
“How…”
“‘How’ what? ‘How rude’? Yes, I’m rude, you should’ve noticed by now.”
“Well then… if you say you are, I’ll call you by that name, Rude.”
“I don’t care… Not like it’s a real name anyway.”
“It is!”
“It is not a name.”
“It is!”
“It’s just a word!”
“Aren’t all names? Look, there’s the River. Isn’t ‘river’ a word and a name? And here’s a tree… You can call it ‘Tree,’ can’t you?”
“But it not a person’s name! Did you see anyone in town with the name Rude?”
“You will be first then. First and only Rude in town!”
“I won’t.”
“Don’t you worry, Rude! You will be!”
“I’ve said: I won’t. And I’m… Nat.”
“Really?”
“Can you at least try to sound less disappointed?”
“Oh, but I know some Nats already… I thought you’d be the first Rude I know.”
“Good!” she exclaimed after a moment of pause “Nice to meet you, Nat! I am…”
“Maria, I remember.”
“Interrupting me again… Even if you are Nat, you’re still rude!”
“Told you so.”
“Nat… you don’t like people, do you?”
“More like I don’t like having them around, but I’m glad you have finally noticed.”
“But why?”
“Why what?”
“Why don’t you like when someone’s around?” she tilted her head to the side, so more of her face was in Nat’s field of view. “What else could I mean with a ‘why’ question…”
“Ugh…” Nat turned away. “I just don’t.”
“Just…?”
“Just.”
“Do you really think it’s just?”
“…Sudden turn of the word.”
“Yes, but it’s still the question: do you think it’s just to not like the company of other people with seemingly no reason? What if they like your company?”
“Who would like that…”
“I, for one.”
“You’d be an exception then.”
“I would!” she let out a happy giggle. “And yet, Nat… That’s not an answer to my question.”
“Then your question will remain unanswered.”
“You’re being rude again.”
“I am.”
“Extremely rude.”
“I am.”
“Exceptionally rude.”
“…”
“Extremely exceptionally rude.”
“…”
“Exceedingly extremely…”
“Listen!” Nat interrupted. “I don’t like when other people are around, because I’m forced to be around them all the time, okay?”
“Forced?”
“Like.. I have to run errands for my aunt… She has this flower shop in town and I’m constantly either delivering flowers or picking up payment or something else. And all the time it’s the same: ‘be polite, smile to the clients, don’t forget to thank them’… I’m tired!”
“Do you like flowers?” She changed topic suddenly.
“Hopefully, it’s because she’s satisfied with the answer” Nat thought.
03
Since that day, every time Nat got under that tree, Maria would appear from somewhere, as if she wasn’t a real girl, as if she was a creature of tales and stories. Speaking of tales – she knew a lot of them and wouldn’t stop talking. But her stories would mostly be about the people, that once lived in the castle or the town, her ancestors and her ancestors’ ancestors. When talking about anything else, she would often ask Nat some ridiculous questions.
“Have you ever wondered why on this shore there are lots of red flowers – and none on the other? Why there are white blooms there instead?”
“That’s how it is… I guess. And these red ones are called hurricane lilies.”
“What’s a hurricane?”
“A word.”
“But what does it mean?”
“How would I know? Aunt taught me flowers’ names, so I don’t mess up orders, that’s all.”
“And you never asked why the flower have names they have?”
“What’s the point? I just have to bring the right flowers to the right client.”
“And those white ones on the far shore?”
“Those are… those… I don’t remember.”
“You don’t?”
“Aunt don’t grow those, I’m pretty sure of it.”
“You can barely see them from this side of the River…”
“So what?”
“How can you be sure?”
“I am.”
“You just don’t know, do you?”
“I don’t remember.”
“You’ve never even asked your aunt about them, haven’t you?”
“I said, I don’t remember their name!”
Time after time, Nat slowly got used to being with her. Not that it suddenly became fun to talk with someone, but Nat… didn’t mind it anymore. It was almost as good of a way to spend free time, as was lying on the back with eyes closed, listening to the whispers of the leaves.
Just with a lot of questions instead.
“What do you do when you’re not coming here?” asked Maria once.
“I work, you know where.”
“And when you don’t work?”
“I sleep. Or rest. Or eat.”
“And when do you play?”
“Don’t have time for that…”
“Oh, you too?”
“Wait… You’re telling me that you, living in the castle, don’t have time to play?”
“I don’t! I’m telling the truth!”
“Hard to believe…”
“Sincere truth!”
“But still…”
“Precise sincere truth!”
“But…”
“Factual precise si…”
“Wait!” Nat interrupted. “Yes, I’m being rude again, but instead of piling up word onto word, please, explain… No… Tell me, what do you do, when you’re not coming here?”
“I study.”
“Study…?”
“How to be a proper girl! I study music and dance and poetry and all sorts of things!”
“And when you don’t study?”
“I read books.”
“Isn’t it the same as studying?”
“It’s different! Decidedly different! Definitely decidedly different!”
“If you say so… That’s why you know so many words to say the same thing.”
“Yes! You know how they are called? Sy-no-nymes!”
Nat just shrugged.
“Don’t you like it?”
“Why do we even need so much words that mean the same thing?”
“It means I can let some words rest while others work! And then switch them around!”
“How can words rest? How can they get tired, even?”
“They can! You just don’t talk much, that’s why you haven’t noticed. If you use the same word too much, it becomes tired and worn out. Some words can even lose their meaning – I pick those and store them in the back of my head so they would recover away from other, louder words.”
“And you told me you don’t have time to play…”
“I did! And I was telling you the truth!”
“But aren’t you… playing with words? Like other kids in town play ball or tag…”
“It’s different! Decidedly dif… See? I play with them… but…” she brought her mouth close to Nat’s ear and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Sometimes, I think it’s words, it is they who play with me.”
“Don’t be stupid!” Nat backed off, then stood up. “Well… I was away from the shop for too long. Aunt probably already can use some help. I’ll go… Bye, Maria!”
“Bye!” She waved.
“…Oh, you know what? Those flowers on the other side of the River… I’ve asked aunt about them. They’re called asphodels.”
04
That day Maria didn’t start their conversation with her usual energetic greetings. Actually, she didn’t show much energy at all, being composed and observant instead.
It’s not like that day was any different from every other day they met: the River still lazyly flowed past the town and light wind still made tree leaves whisper up high. The River was the same, tree was the same, grass around them was the same… even Maria was, in fact, the same as usual.
It was Nat, who was different.
It’s hard to say how different.
But different enough for Maria to feel and to make her walk around Nat in circles, examining anything that could tell her the reason of this unexpected different-ness. After four or five circles she gave up, sat down and asked:
“What happened?”
“…”
“I can sense such things, you know?”
“What things?”
“You are… restless?”
“I’m not restless!”
“Then… Uncertain? A whole lot of sad? Why?”
“It’s… It’s my grandfather…”
“You have a grandfather!? Why didn’t you tell?”
“Well… I guess… yes, I have a grandfather. I’ve been living with him since my parents went downstream…”
“I thought you were living with your aunt.”
“No, I just work for her.”
“So, what about your grandfather? Did something happen to him?”
“Yes… No… Not yet, but…”
“What? What? Tell me!”
“He… They….” Nat paused, then punched the ground. “Ugh! They say the Ship will be here tomorrow. And my grandfather will go downstream with it. Aunt’s already getting flowers ready…”
“Why aren’t you helping her then?”
“Why… “
“Shouldn’t you be helping her?”
“Should…”
“Why not then?”
“Stop it!” Nat’s eyes suddenly were filled with tears. “How could you be so calm about this? Why are you asking me such stupid questions? They… They will send my grandfather downstream, don’t you understand?”
“I do, I do! Isn’t it great?”
“You… What you…” Nat wiped tears with the back of the hand. “What’s ‘great’ about it?”
“Don’t you know? People sent downstream are to be reborn in another world – they begin their lives anew! They get to be babies again!”
Nat looked at her, confused.
“How old are you? Maria, how could you believe in these stupid children fairy tales?”
“They aren’t fairy tales!”
“They are! People are sent downstream so we don’t see them die! So we can be this happy little town on the River’s shore, where everyday is the best day ever and everyone is happy and smiling! Why let death walk inside to get someone it wants? Let’s just send him or her downstream on a death’s boat, let’s get rid of them all! And you… It’s all your doing… Not yours, but the people in the castle – you never get to be send downstream, right? Maybe, you just pay death off with the lives of the others!”
“You are so…”
“Rude? I don’t care if I am! It’s my grandfather who I will never see again, you know? Like my mother and my father and all those people before and after them!”
“Nat… Listen, Nat…”
“Listen to what? To your endless words than mean the same thing or nothing at all? Why… ” Nat looked at her, with more and more angry look. “Why did I even come here today!?”
“To… see me… to tell me… the news…?”
“To tell you… What a stupid thing to do! Like you… Like you’d understand! Anything at all! You, who was ‘taught to be a proper girl’ in that big dumb castle! What do you even know?”
“I know… how to read…”
“So what!?”
“And you… that’s not true! Not true at all! About us… people from the castle…”
“…!”
“We… we can be sent downstream too! We can, can, can!”
“Can you? Really? I’ve seen that Ship come many times now, and never! Not even once! It never took anyone not living in the town!”
“You’ll see! You will see one day! Maybe… maybe it’ll be my turn next!”
Nat looked at her for a long time without blinking. Eyes, filled with helpless rage and hopeless tears, forgot how to close. Moments of silence passed one by one, only to be cut short by words…
“You know… Even if you are right. Even if you will be next. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about you. When they will carry you on that boat in a coat of petals, I won’t be looking. I won’t be looking and I won’t wish you the River’s mercy. Let the River take you if it wants, I don’t care!”
Nat turned and walked away towards the town, never bothering to look back even once, leaving Maria alone under the tree.
05
And so the next day four strong men dressed in white with their faces covered by masks carried Nat’s grandfather to the River. They walked slowly, holding the carriage with the old man firmly on their shoulders. And many of the townsfolk followed them, covering their path with flower petals, turning a road they walked into a river of flowers – especially when they went past the crossings. When the procession reached one, someone run forward, marking the way to the River, as to not let the carriage take the wrong turn… Even if everyone knew where they were going and couldn’t possibly walk any other way.
Nat and Nat’s aunt walked right next to the carriage, at all times looking at the old man sitting on it. Any tears that might have been in Nat’s eyes before, now had evaporated, boiled away by burning rage inside. A painful sensation, like someone poured a handful of sand in those eyes – that was all that was left.
The old man was sitting straight on that carriage. Silent. Unmoving. Accepting of his fate. From behind, Nat couldn’t see his face, but was sure it was just as always: kind and calm grey eyes above an almost unnoticeable smile…
As always.
But this time – for the last time.
They will take him on the ship, throw some more flowers in the air, sing one more long song and then the ship will drift away, down the River, downstream…
Nat stumbled, almost tripped over.
“Are you all right?” Aunt took Nat by hand.
“Y… Yes, aunty.”
“We have to keep walking…” They were whispering to each other. “It all will be over soon.”
“I know… I can do it, I can.” Nat glanced to the side, where aunt was. She… she didn’t hold her tears.
“T… thank you…” Nat whispered to her, as they were walking down to the River.
The procession reached the ship, the carriage with Nat’s grandfather was put in its place on the deck and the ship slowly began to float away. People were still singing and waving hands, but the moment the boat left the shore, they started to go back to the town, back to their homes, their work and their lives.
Last one to leave was Nat’s aunt.
“Don’t be here for too long, alright?” Said she, and Nat just nodded in response. There were no words left.
For a moment Nat thought about going to that one tree further along the River, but quickly decided against it. Not that it wouldn’t be good to lie down under the canopy of that old tree… But even the slightest chance of meeting that girl right now was enough of a reason to not go there.
And so Nat sat down on the ground, still covered in flower petals, watching the ship getting smaller and smaller as it flown further away, until it disappeared beyond the horizon.
Then Nat stood up and went back to the town… back home, back to work and life…
And life went on – as the River flows, so was time. Hour after hour, day after day. Nat was helping around the store, running errands, delivering flowers and taking orders. And never even once thought about running away from town to that spot under that tree.
No, that’s not true.
The thought of doing exactly that was ever-present. This one thought that was like a needle plunged in the brain, long and sharp, more irritating than painful. Nat tried to tuck it in the furthest corners of the mind, to pile the everyday minutia onto it, layer after layer, but that didn’t make it go away. The irritating needle still was stuck there, reminding Nat of its presence every time Nat relaxed even for a brief moment.
Nights were the worst.
Dreams were the worst.
In dreams they were under that tree again. In dreams she kept talking.
“…Sometimes I imagine – it’s not the River flowing past us. It is us, who’s drifting up past the River. You understand? Water’s perfectly still, it’s the shores that are moving…”
When did she said it? Did she even? It was something silly enough Maria would say, but Nat didn’t remember those exact words being said… Maybe memory at last started to do what Nat was begging it to do from the moment they parted ways under the tree? Maybe, Nat began to forget?
It would be nice.
It would be too soon…
“…If you drink straight from the River, without boiling the water first, you’ll lose some memories. You know: because the water is still running, even if you take it out of the River, and it takes your memory with itself downstream…”
Now that’s just child’s stories. Nat had drank straight from the River many times, and all the memories remained in place, where they were before… If only that was true, that would be so good, so simple, so convenient.
Even then, it was just dreams – nightmarish mess of memories and fantasies, cut into tiny pieces, stirred up and stitched together.
“If you wake up after a bad dream” Nat’s aunt always said. “Look out of the window and toss it into the River. Let the River have it.”
And so Nat did – and the River hungrily gulped each and every of those dreams, until the dreams began to fade, too, as memories did.
After all, life went on, delivery after delivery, errand after errand, day after day.
One of those days Nat realized that trees stopped whispering in the wind, and felt relieved.
On the day after that Nat came down to the shop only to see aunt furious.
“You’re late!” she shouted.
“No, I’m not. Exactly on time.”
“Stop arguing and get to work! We have to get everything ready as fast as we can!”
“As you wish… Why such a hurry…”
Reason for that became obvious in a moment after Nat got to work: they had to get a lot of flowers – almost all they had – to the castle. To do that Nat had to enlist some help from neighbours – aunt told that there was no need to save money on that and soon there were enough helpers to carry flower baskets uphill. It looked like people from the castle pay so well, Nat’s aunt still could turn a profit even with all this additional labor hired.
But why so many flowers?
Could it be…?
No, that does not matter – any stray thoughts right now would get in the way of work. Even with all the help they had to go to the castle and back four times to deliver all the flowers. And after all of that Nat was so tired that could barely stand. Or sit, for that matter.
“I’ve been to the castle… I haven’t seen her once… That’s fortunate…” That were Nat’s last disjointed thoughts that day.
06
Next day Nat woke up late – morning hours were already over and the sun was high in a clear skies. Looks like aunt decided to give her helper a time to rest after yesterday’s hard work. Nat opened a window to let in some fresh air, but with it the sounds of gathering crowd entered the room.
There were a lot of people on the street, a lot of them dressed in all white, some holding baskets full of flower petals.
Nat looked along the street – up to the hills where the castle was.
Four strong men with their faces covered by masks were carrying on their shoulders a chair with a small, thin, almost ethereal figure of a girl sitting on it. Her long light-blue hair was braided and styled into a crown around her head, decorated with a single white lily on the side.
Nat ran outside, elbowed through the crowd, wiping the petals that were flying all around off of the face, and managed to get in the front row in time for the carriage to pass by.
The girl on the chair looked from side to side and Nat barely could escape her eyes by moving behind someone’s back. It might have seemed strange to use so much strength to get closer only to immediately back off, but Nat actually managed to get a glimpse of what was important. The girls’ eyes were of a clear blue color, deep, like the River’s waters. And, whilst being carried to the ship that would take her on her final journey she was smiling happily, same way she smiled when they were talking away the days under that big tree outside the town.
The procession reached the ship, the carriage with Maria was put in its place on the deck and the ship slowly began to float away. People were singing and waving hands, but the moment the boat left the shore, they went back to their homes, leaving Nat alone to watch how the ship floats away.
That’s when Nat finally decided.
Maria once said…
“You know, you can’t cross the River alone. Try to do that and you would be swept by the current and dragged downstream. You would never reach the other shore… And there will be no turning back either… The only way to do it is to have someone else to hold your hand… someone else you trust to not let go no matter what – then and only then you will make it to the other shore together.
If someone could hold your hand firm enough that even the River couldn’t break the hold, – and believe me, it will do its worst to tear you apart, – then you both will make it ...”
These words were that memory Nat tried so hard to push away, to water down, to flush to the deepest darkest depths of the mind. Yet in that moment they rose to the surface, loud and clear as they were on the day Maria first spoke them. These words, this sound of her voice took Nat’s mind by storm, filling it up with a single purpose.
These words were in the whisper of tree leaves and in a murmur of the River’s waters.
These words Nat heard while walking into the River.
Further and further.
Deeper and deeper.
Until Nat’s feet could no longer feel the ground beneath them.
Until the River took hold.
Last thing Nat could remember was the River’s shores running past and the River’s water standing perfectly, absolutely, stunningly still.
00
…In another world, in another time, two newborns cried out for the first time.
One of them was a girl with a clear blue eyes, deep as a river.
After much arguing parents decided to name her Maria.
