A woman who has had a powerful presence in my life, who inspired me to persevere, overcome obstacles, and not back down? That person is my Mum. She is the most kind-hearted and fair human in the whole world. Our relationship has not always been so easy because I think paradoxically we have so much, even too much, in common. She had a tough childhood and marriage. My father is not a bad person but addictions have significantly impacted his personality and attitude to life. My childhood was neither an easy one, but my Mum did everything she could for me. Each time I failed, I knew I would receive constructive criticism from her. But I also knew that she would protect me from this world. I frequently heard from her ‘I will love you despite everything’. And she did. She taught me how not to be afraid but to be determined. I suppose all my achievements and even that I am still alive are thanks to her. She taught me how to combine kindness and strength (I did not believe that these two traits could be combined in one person). She was a very beautiful woman who could shine despite the bleak situation in her life, especially in our house. Her blond hair and appearance reminded me of Marylin Monroe…. her personality too, so it isn’t a surprise that Marylin Monroe still is my idol.
Let’s come back to my life. I was 19, I suppose when my Dad woke me up with the phrase ‘Your Mum is dying’. She had lost consciousness. Since that time I have hated mornings. Sometimes I would rather never wake up again.
My Mum had breast cancer which she didn’t want to treat. She refused to go to the hospital. She wanted to die. I couldn’t bear that. I started my investigation of hospitals that can perform urgent operations. There were none available because of COVID-19 measures. My Dad was too helpless to take responsibility so I realized that if not me then who? That evening we called the ambulance. I suppose if we hadn’t she would have not suffered so much.
The long days and nights began. I abandoned my studies (fortunately teachers understood and gave me the opportunity to pass exams later), and spent all the time next to my Mum’s hospital bed. I had never been responsible for somebody ill. It was new for me. I had time to think and consider my life. My attitude to Mum. I was and still am a rude person who can say tough things to important people. I blame myself for not being humble and understanding. I am a monster. My Mum always wanted to help me with my life and support but she did not receive the same attitude from me. Knowing she had been ill (despite the fact she hadn’t wanted to be cured) I had let her make all household chores by herself, I had not offered my help. Knowing that she had been suffering enormous pain, I had not taken responsibility for any physical work which should have been done. When she had been suffering mentally when she had yelled at me…I had not recognized these signs as a call for help but had become in a defensive position making her suffer more.
One day I came back home to rest for a couple of hours. When I returned back to the hospital I saw my Mum deadly pale. I immediately forced the nurse to do a blood analysis. Mum was taken to the resuscitation ward. I was not allowed here so I returned home. That was one time I saw my Dad crying and believed that he could change (spoiler: he cannot). It was May. Everything was green. It was raining. I was standing under that rain. I was not crying but praying. The sun appeared. I thought it was a good sign.
Eventually, in a couple of weeks, my Mum was taken to a big city for an operation. She was so tiny after that. Then I realized how much she suffered. I saw her tiny body in her tiny clothes. She was so weak. I believe it was that time when I saw her inner nature…. So vulnerable and fragile. It was different from what everybody used to see. She was always a strong woman who knew what she wanted, and how to achieve her aim. Now she needed protection. And I couldn't give her that. My Dad was drinking again so I couldn't rely on his help.
Then she started recovering. Long courses of chemotherapy began. She lost all of her fabulous hair. I do not know whether she wanted to survive. My Mom always had been the kind of person who wants to help everyone, to make other people’s lives easier. With this illness, she started realizing that no one cares about her. That she always had not been ‘enough’. Not enough supportive, not enough kind, not enough beautiful. She frequently said that she feels guilty about something she even did not know.
I committed a crime. My Dad had gone to Poland to earn money for Mum’s treatment and I… I went to another city to continue my studies. I left her alone. How could I? I even could shout at her through the phone if she told me things I didn’t want to hear. Oh my goddess what kind of a bitch I was.
Some months passed and I received an offer to go to Lithuania as an exchange student. My Mum was enormously happy about that. I was doubting whether I should go. She persuaded me that everything will be okay. That was the first time I went somewhere abroad. I was so excited about the plane because I hadn’t ever traveled by plane. Finally, I reached the dormitory where I was supposed to live. It was night. Thanks to my incompetent teacher who was responsible for these studies I hadn’t been aware of the requirement to fill in the form to be able to live in the dormitory. My Mum was constantly writing to me because she was worrying of course. I was rude. Taking into consideration that I did not fill in the form, I was forced to spend the night in the dormitory hall. There were sofas where I tried to sleep, and it was very cold.
In the morning when a manager of the dormitory came and let me in the room, I was crying. I saw a fabulous view from the windows and the dawn. I recorded a video for my Mum and sent it to her. She started calling me but I was not able to connect to the dormitory Wi-Fi and didn’t have a Lithuanian sim card so the connection was horrible. I was crying and in despair. I let my emotions fall on my Mum. She was soothing me to the fullest extent. She was so supportive and I was a monster.
After a couple of hours of sleep, I tried to call her again. The connection was worse. I was so irritated. And again she received my negative emotions. I was supposed to attend the excursion so I started preparing for it. I sent a message to her saying sorry for my behavior. She answered that everything will be okay and I shouldn’t blame myself for that. ‘It is just an aggressive chemotherapy’ was the last answer I received. I had a wonderful time on the excursion and after coming back to the dormitory I received a call from my aunt that Mum is in hospital. Her condition became worse and Mum was taken to the resuscitation ward. I wrote her another message with apologies. This message was never read. I was praying again.
With no more news, I started preparing to go to bed. Then I received another call from my brother. He said that my Mum passed away three hours ago. The spectrum of my emotions is difficult to describe. During all the years she was ill I prayed before sleep for her health. Everything was in vain. I was furious. Why didn’t she call? Why didn’t she say goodbye to me? Why was I so rude to her? Why was I such a monster? I almost didn’t sleep that night. I didn’t even attend the farewell ceremony because I would be disqualified from the program. Everybody persuaded me that she wanted me to stay there. Probably such a way of things is better for me. Thanks to her I knew I must live. I must be as strong as she was. This was my first time abroad, and I lost the most vital person in my life.
P.S. I don’t know what others write here. I will just write some thoughts with the hope that you, the person who is reading this, will hear. Keep your emotions. Keep your rude words. Remember that each conversation can be the last one. Do not repeat my mistakes. Say words of love to people who you love. Memento mori.
